Writing Prompts from the Wisdom Workshop at Blissdom 2011

Yesterday I attended a writing prompts workshop hosted by a lovely group of ladies (please click the link to get their info). One of the prompts was living a day in your life free of your greatest fear & since today I am in the midst of a major flare up this feels fitting.
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I can’t remember what it is to not feel pain.

I try to not let it consume.

I fail lots.

If I could just wake up one day and be without pain.

To not worry about what side of the bed I woke up on. To not worry about if I remembered to decaf. I just don’t know what I would do with that kind of freedom.

The pain shackles me most days.

As I have gotten more used to my life being this way it has gotten easier.

What was once an 8 might be a 4 now.

It isn’t fair.

They say that fibromyalgia isn’t hereditary. Can I believe them?

What if tomorrow one of my girls woke up and couldn’t walk or lift her hand above her head.

The guilt would consume me.

Some days I look at them and their freedom to move around and not have this intense pain in their lives and I get jealous.

For a brief flash of a second I wish that they could feel my pain. They could just soak it all in and understand the depth of it all.

I want them to understand that I am not lazy or out of shape. I know that they know but what if they look back and just wonder if it was real.

Do they feel cheated?

There are so many things that I have given them that are annoyances and sometimes life threatening.

hello asthma

But those things can be fixed.

While I wouldn’t wish for them to have my mental health issues, with the proper care and medication….those hurdles can be overcome as well.

But this pain……there is nothing for it.

It’s here. It radiates. it consumes.

What would I do if I gave this to them.

that would cause a whole new pain that I would have to carry.

This burden around my neck weighs me down. It leaves me breathless carrying it around.

I am tired of being breathless.

I am tired of this burden, but it is one I carry.

always.

Giving a Face to Fibromyalgia

My name is Heather.

I am in constant pain.

The days in which I have been in pain far outweigh the ability of my brain to remember those days that I have not been in pain.

For years I would wonder if I was slowly losing my mind to the pain.

This is me.

A Day in the Park

Most days anyways.

I won’t let the fibromyalgia define me.

I can’t let it win.

In some ways I think I have become a better person since the pain has started.

I smile more. I talk to strangers.

I want my interactions with people to be positive, something that would be a bright point in their day.

But there are days like today when its even a struggle for me to smile because the pain runs deep.

The days where I have to grit my teeth and push through the pain. No matter how deep the pain burns.

I hate these days.

I hate that I can’t remember what it feels like to be completely pain free.

I hate knowing that one day my pain free days will be outnumbered by the pain filled ones.

I hate that there is no cure and that so many doctors don’t recognize it as a problem.

Even though its “all in my head” I can’t change that I have it no more than an asthmatic chooses to have asthma attacks.

I admit that when I am in severe pain and someone mentions to me that they have a ‘touch of fibromyalgia’ it takes all that I have to not laugh in their face and mock their so called pain.

I don’t like the person I become when I am in this much pain.

She can be bitter and angry and short with her children.

She lets the pain consume her and she sometimes stops the fight, letting the pain take over.

She isn’t me.

So I fight and I get frustrated and people think I am angry.

All because I am waging this internal war with myself over something I can never control.

But still I fight, because she is worth fighting for.

Mishelle Lane - BlogHer10 - Friday Night Walk-16

Top photo credit my good friend Dawn
Bottom Photo my good friend Mishelle Lane