My Anxiety Caused by Tunnels

After you get over the initial shock that I am 33 years old and I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old you laugh and tell me about how smart i was to start so young. I will then in turn chuckle and reply with some trite cliche that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Let me set something straight. I hate that stupid tunnel, with its light shining bright. Who said that I wanted to go anywhere near that god forsaken tunnel, isn’t there a door or a fence or a big rock to put up so that I can’t see it anymore?

That tunnel gives me more anxiety than I care to admit. It makes me wallow in self pity wondering where all the time went and just like that more time is gone.

I need more time.

Before I was even an adult I became a mother and then a wife. I have two beautiful daughters, a loss that haunts me more than I care to admit and a wonderful & supportive husband. Most days I think my family is complete, but there are days when I beg, plead, and make deals with God for just one more babe to carry in my womb, to suckle at my breast, to cradle in my arms.

Being a mother has defined me. I have been a mother for nearly half of my life and even through the trying days I never once regret being a mother to my girls. Sure, it’s hard work, but it is something that I know I was made for. It just flies by so damn fast.

I’m not scared for my girls going out into the world. I have raised two beautiful, smart and confident young ladies. I have no doubt that when they get into the world it won’t swallow them up but will be conquered in ways that only they can imagine. My biggest fear, my greatest source of anxiety is myself.

Who are you Heather and exactly what are you going to do with yourself once these girls fly from the nest? It scares me because I don’t know who am I without them. Becoming a mother before you even know what you are becoming yourself makes these last few years scary. Sure I had fleeting thoughts of who I was or what I wanted to do, but they never came to fruition and to be honest I can’t even remember what those thoughts were about anyways.

I am a photographer and writer and I love what I do, but they are my muses and without them I just don’t know if I will see the world the same way.

I know, I know when they leave the nest they aren’t going to disappear and never be heard from again, but they won’t be here consuming my every moment with their bad TV, crazy YouTube videos, and fights over whose turn it is to wear the blue sweater or the salt stains on some one’s boots that someone else put there.

I can’t imagine a life in which I don’t have to make lunches, drive them here or there, do massive amounts of laundry that I complain about, or wonder which girl took my tweezers no matter how many times I tell them not to take them out of the bathroom.

So many people are scared to become parents. They don’t know what to expect, how will their lives change, will they lose all of their friends? I have those same fears for myself and I don’t know how to squelch those fears, to reassure myself that everything will be alright, that I will survive.

But while I am figuring it all out, if you are on the other side of that tunnel will you please turn off that light?

Thursdays are Random Update Days, right?

  • Yesterday Hubs had an extra day off because of the Labor Day Holiday, we decided since the home next door is on the market we needed to do some stuff outside to improve our curb appeal and not scare off good potential neighbors. Do you want to weigh in whether or not you think Curb Appeal is important? Go here.
  • My dog is a bit neurotic. He is highly allergic to flea bites and so I am pretty anal about keeping up with all the stuff so that he doesn’t get bit, because when he does he is a bit more neurotic than normal. He won’t stay in one spot for long, he is jumpy and just odd. He did enjoy his oatmeal bath today, I think it helped to soothe his skin from the ONE flea I found on him.
  • My dog is also shedding like mad. But unlike a typical dog his hair comes out in fluffy chunks that looks like a stuff animal was ripped apart in my house. His tumbleweeds are common place in the dining room and landing. I have to vacuum and hand pick up the fluff at least 2x a day. Its driving me a bit crazy because of my heavy as #$&**@ vacuum.
  • Because of the last bullet I wouldn’t be overly sad if my vacuum cleaner died or suffered any kind of tragedy. That thing weighs like 20 pounds and in my opinion doesn’t clean that well. I mentioned getting a vacuum for our bedroom so I could vacuum each day-his response was that if I got rid of the dog we wouldn’t have to vacuum at all. Ummm, okay, but EEEWWWW! So no new vacuum and the dog stays.
  • The Chicken was sick yesterday and I have put off running my errands today in case she calls and needs me to pick her up. She seemed to be fine this morning with no fever, but you never know. Plus the school lets the kids call for the dumbest reasons. Trust me!
  • Giggles is going to Homecoming this October. I KNOW! She is going with her new boyfriend! AHHHH! She is growing up so fast. The boy is a sophomore and we have requested that we meet him. Thankfully he only lives a few blocks away, but that may come to bite me in the toosh later. I can’t believe she is going to homecoming….with a boy! Now to figure out what we are doing for her dress and everything else. I may have to laugh at hubs “We’re only going to give her $25 for a dress and shoes rule.” But I probably won’t. I will try to get her a dress at Plato’s Closet-that is where we got her 8th grade formal dress for the Graduation Dance last year for $8!
  • Alright I think this is all the updates I wanted to do. I need to defluff the carpets again and make my list so that when the girls get home from school we can head to the bulk store.

Do you know what time it is?

It’s that time of year again. I know you are excited I have come to talk to you about Giggles’ birthday or even perhaps my blogversary that was the other day. The answer is no to both accounts, I will talk about them, perhaps in haiku form tomorrow. 
It is time for
which is being hosted by the lovely and witty Meghan (why yes I am kissing up as her birthday is coming up and I don’t have the $$ to buy her a fancy, schmancy flat screen t.v. or to send her to Italy) So head on over to her place and participate. I know I am anxious to see all the really neat cards and photos.

 

Without further a do, here is our card, complete with a big surprise that Giggles will be thrilled about.  Can you “see” it?  Happy/Merry “insert your holiday here” to you and yours!

Christmas Card 2008