Uncomfortable Stares

I struggle with what to write in this space about my faith.

It’s not that I am ashamed of my faith or that it isn’t relevant to my life.

I don’t have it all figured out and I am pretty sure that on this side of eternity, no one will.

It feels awkward and weird to tell you about something I am so sure of when it seems like I have no clue at all. Sometimes there are these thoughts that shoot through my brain telling me that if I had a clue that seat in the pew next to me at church each Sunday morning wouldn’t be empty.

I know that isn’t the case. I know that I can only control what I believe and not my husband. He has to come to God on his own terms and it’s something that can’t be rushed. It doesn’t stop my heart from wondering what it would be like if he and I shared the same views on something so very important.

If The Chicken was comfortable with it we would sit in the front row every week for service; to avoid the uncomfortable stares.

No, they aren’t from the people around me they are from me, staring at these complete families and wondering what it would be like to worship as a family each Sunday morning.

My mind goes through all of these scenarios and then I find someone looking back at me because they have felt my stares and I quickly look away. It has happened all of the years I have gone to church without him.

We are happy, we are truly in love, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I just wish there wasn’t this vast field in between us on this one issue.

So instead of looking around the sanctuary I close my eyes and lift my hands to the music letting The Spirit envelope me. I focus on the sermon and I keep myself busy writing out notes to go over later.

But every now and again, when I least expect it, my heart cries out and I find myself being caught making someone uncomfortable with my stares.

linking up with Just Write

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Comments

  1. Yet another connection we have my friend. I have felt the same jealous pangs as I sit without my husband in church. I pray that one day, the divide will cease on this issue and we'll be able to worship. Together. Just like God intended.

  2. As an encouragement, I also did this for many years…maybe not that many, but it felt like an eternity. Even longer every time I realized that it was not my job to fix him, and that I (once again) had to let go, and ask God to help me survive the disappointment.

    I'm at the other side now. God helped me to accept and cope, and he also drew my husband to a faith that is often stronger than mine now…God is amazing. His timing is perfect, and I am glad that He and he both love me. :)

  3. Big hugs, Heather. I love you so much, and I love that you have a husband who adores you. Praying that God will work in His mysterious ways. :)

  4. We have talked about this more recently (thanks for all the time you kept me company during the day, by the way, you are awesome) and I know part of where your husband is coming from BUT I know how happy it would make you to have him there by your side. In God's own way, it will work out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. xo

  5. I am married to an Atheist. He does go to church with me when we go but I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me that we have different views on God and spirituality.
    I actually believe what a blessing it is to be married to an Atheist. I think it is awful people stare and judge.
    I have such a great marriage and such a wonderful husband I totally dismiss people's judgment when they look at me or make comments in pity. I've often said that my husband lives a life more like Christ than most men who proclaim to know him.