You mentioned the hair dye again and a wave of guilt washes over me because you have had the boxes for nearly a week and we haven’t had a chance to make your hair darker. I thought that getting them for you for your birthday last week would be enough to get you to stop chattering about them, but I was wrong.

I know you don’t understand, even if you are 14, but these past couple of weeks have been so hard for me. Going through Grandma’s things hasn’t been easy. To see how easily bits of her life can get tossed away because one wants to start life with someone new breaks my heart in ways that I can’t even explain.

You and your sister constantly ask me why I help if it is so hard for me and I can’t explain why. I have to do it. I can’t just let someone else come in there and pitch away all that she worked for, created and did without careful consideration of what we should keep and preserve to remember her always.

Finding Christmas gifts that she carefully picked out only have them promptly taken way hurts me in ways that I never knew towels could. Finding her little bits of meticulous organization in the chaos that became her home in the last year of her life and the three and a half years since rattles me to my soul.

All the while I feel like I am teetering on this edge about to drop over at any minute. I have faith that if I do drop over the edge that my landing will be soft. I no longer question why I have a mental illness; questioning never helps. I live by faith and believe that in the end everything will work out.

This guilt I feel can be all consuming and I am sorry if it causes me to react instead of respond. I need to take a step back and realize that this is something important to you, even if I just think of it as a couple boxes of hair dye.

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