Conference Menstruation Syndrome

I know, I know, you are reading the title and are all “what?!!?” or you are nodding your head in agreement that you, too, suffer from the deplorable condition.

I am sure that you have read one million and one recaps of people and their BlogHer experience, which is funny because I am pretty sure that one million and one people didn’t attend, but whatever. (Also this is run on sentence day in Domestic Extraordinaire land, so after you read this, go forth and celebrate….you know with incorrect usage of commas, dots, and parenthesis)

About two weeks before the conference I checked my phone to see when I was due for my “monthly visitor.” (Also you have to totally say “monthly visitor” in hushed tones because that is how our school nurse said it.) (And yes I totally use my phone to keep track of my cycles-doesn’t everyone?) When the app opened a box was there greeting me in the middle of the screen (you know after the screen where they tell you to upgrade to the non free version so you can have access to charts, graphs, and other feelings) that told me that I was 67 days late.

Yes, you read that right sixty seven.

I quickly closed down the app and opened it back up again. That number was still there. 67.

I may have freaked out a bit at the freak out my husband was going to do when he found out that I may be carrying his next heir. Men seem to get testy about “scares” when they have had their manly bits (okay okay they aren’t bits, I totally didn’t say bits) ripped open, cut apart, burned, stitched and then put back together again. I also may have gone out to buy a pregnancy test or four to confirm the fact that I was with or without child.

After wasting supporting pregnancy testing companies and realizing that they were all false and also learning just how long I could hold my pee (Let’s just say I am so very proud of my bladder at this point), I realized what was up. Yet again I was suffering from Conference Menstruation Syndrome.

Now I don’t usually mind if I am late, but 67 days and a conference in which I was going to be working, wasn’t really making me too happy. I sat down (possibly on the toilet) and had a long talk with my “monthly visitor,” except I refer to her as Aunt Flo.

“Aunt Flo, you really need to show up before I board the plane for San Diego. It’s not fair to other family members that want to go along with me on this trip. Family members that will be helpful, not leave me bloaty, or possibly stain my clothes. It’s not like you can help me schlep my camera equipment around or contribute to the cost of taxis. Plus, I am pretty sure that all of the other bloggers would make fun of me because I couldn’t leave my aunt at home. So either pony up some dough so you can get your own hotel room, or make your visit before I have to go.”

And friends, I am happy to report that Aunt Flo decided not to follow me to the conference. I am so thankful because it would have been awkward. “Oh hai so and so I’m Heather….have you met my Aunt Flo?” Also I am pretty sure that by my Aunt getting attention it would cause other Aunts to think that they could attend and well that wouldn’t be cool. Although we could start a support group for those suffering from Conference Menstruation Syndrome and possibly work through some of the anger that we hold towards our Aunts who don’t send birthday cards, but sometimes show up on our birthdays.

Plus, if my Aunt came with me I might be too embarrassed to have captured this

or this

and possibly this

So in conclusion, many thanks to my dear Aunt Flo for actually listening to me and arriving 68 days late and I am sure that the husband thanks you for many other reasons.

Disclosure-I was contracted by the Clever Girls Collective to photograph some events for them in San Diego in exchange for attending BlogHer & the expenses that were associated with it. They did not, however, spring for the numerous pregnancy tests that I took pre conference and all opinions expressed in this post are my own. You didn’t really think that a company would really want a Lady Gaga look alike in that pose of the photo above be representative of their company would you?

All photos were taken by me at the I’m with the Brand Party in San Diego at the Hotel Solamar in the Gas Lamp District. It was bomb, yo!