Embracing myself

As I sit here at the dining room table, still in my pajamas with unbrushed hair, I ponder.

I don’t know if ponder is the right word, but I know that struggle isn’t the right word either.

This time of year sort of sucker punches me in the gut and in the heart. It stinks.

I take my pills and I put little x’s on the calendar to remind me of this fact.

I think that maybe if I take my pills every.single.day that I can learn to dodge the feelings creeping up inside of me.

I can’t.

I lean to the right or to the left to get around them, but then I lose my balance and I fall to the ground.

Sometimes the falling feels worse than the sucker punching.

sometimes

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Because of a friend or two I decided to chose a word of the year for my life.

I struggled and thought and struggled some more.

Embrace.

I need to embrace myself.

I struggle. I will always struggle. It is who I am.

I know that embracing myself won’t fix me, but it surely can’t hurt.

And when I embrace my bright days and my dark ones perhaps my life will seem more uniform, woven together.

Because sometimes when you weave together brights and darks you come up with the most beautiful things.

365-10