Giving a Face to Fibromyalgia

My name is Heather.

I am in constant pain.

The days in which I have been in pain far outweigh the ability of my brain to remember those days that I have not been in pain.

For years I would wonder if I was slowly losing my mind to the pain.

This is me.

A Day in the Park

Most days anyways.

I won’t let the fibromyalgia define me.

I can’t let it win.

In some ways I think I have become a better person since the pain has started.

I smile more. I talk to strangers.

I want my interactions with people to be positive, something that would be a bright point in their day.

But there are days like today when its even a struggle for me to smile because the pain runs deep.

The days where I have to grit my teeth and push through the pain. No matter how deep the pain burns.

I hate these days.

I hate that I can’t remember what it feels like to be completely pain free.

I hate knowing that one day my pain free days will be outnumbered by the pain filled ones.

I hate that there is no cure and that so many doctors don’t recognize it as a problem.

Even though its “all in my head” I can’t change that I have it no more than an asthmatic chooses to have asthma attacks.

I admit that when I am in severe pain and someone mentions to me that they have a ‘touch of fibromyalgia’ it takes all that I have to not laugh in their face and mock their so called pain.

I don’t like the person I become when I am in this much pain.

She can be bitter and angry and short with her children.

She lets the pain consume her and she sometimes stops the fight, letting the pain take over.

She isn’t me.

So I fight and I get frustrated and people think I am angry.

All because I am waging this internal war with myself over something I can never control.

But still I fight, because she is worth fighting for.

Mishelle Lane - BlogHer10 - Friday Night Walk-16

Top photo credit my good friend Dawn
Bottom Photo my good friend Mishelle Lane

Comments

  1. Awww. *HUGS*
    A friend my man & I stayed with on our upstate NY trip has Fibro, and she had some tough days. & was so stoked to have houseguests to hang with, because she can't work & is alone usually while her hubby works.
    xo

  2. Heather, you are a strong woman. I can't imagine being in pain so constantly. But I love that smiling face, so keep up the fight, lovely.

  3. Mwah! Sorry you have to deal with this, friend.

  4. Love you lady!

  5. Love this! It is so hard to live well with chronic illness and none of us get it right every day. I completely relate to everything you said though!

  6. Thank you so much for posting this. I could have written those words, along with those in your linked post.

    The only difference is I have chronic migraines instead of fibromyalgia. I, too, have logged my pain. In the past month, I've had two headache-free days.

    I've spent the past ten years going to doctors who can't help me. Some days, I feel like giving up and just accepting that I will spend 98% of my life in pain.

    Coworkers, friends, etc. get one migraine and act like it's the end of the world. They “understand” until my headaches interfere with something they want me to be doing. They don't know what it's like to be in so much pain that you're throwing up at work but can't leave because you're out of sick time. Or how scary it is driving around, nearly getting into accidents on a regular basis, because the pain is making your vision blurry. Or why you're not jumping at the chance to try this miracle cure they read about on the internet because you've already thrown thousands of dollars at the problem only to be disappointed over and over when nothing works.

    The DSM-IV supposedly puts migraines in the same category as schizophrenia and dementia when it comes to the impact on your life. I wouldn't be surprised if fibromyalgia is in there, too.

    If you ever want to talk or vent, feel free to e-mail me. I'm happy to listen.

  7. You are a very strong woman, dealing with this constantly. I have never, ever suspected a thing as it hides behind your positve demeanor and personality.

  8. Hugs friend. You are strong and amazing. That I know for a fact.