I hardly think of them, but yet I think about them all the time.

They were just a blip on my radar of life, I hardly knew they existed.
But yet, it seemed like a lifetime. A very happy lifetime.
My happiness was so infectious. In that short span of time I must have told the world.
Circumstances were different this time. I had a husband, a daughter, a place of our own.
I had my own car, a checking account, no parents to check in with, no school to keep attending.
It was perfect.
And then the perfectness shattered away, ironically at the “Happiest Place on Earth”
I was stupid, young, confused. When they would let me up to Labor & Delivery to meet my doctor because I didn’t have an EDD and didn’t look pregnant I went and sat down, in pain, bleeding, next to my husband.
Why couldn’t I have spoke up for them. Yelled, screamed, kicked my feet until they let me through those locked doors to save my babies. But instead, I silently waited. Wishing they would let me through without me letting out a peep.
My doctor was angry-not at me, but at those behind the desk. The ones that were keeping him
from helping them. Seeing if there was anything we could do, just so that they could hold out a little longer.
In fact, we didn’t even know that there were two of them until I finally was taken back for an ultrasound.
The tech was silent as she and the doctor searched for any sign of life. They explained to me that they were searching long than normal because a blood clot was affecting the view of heart for Baby A.
Silently I layed on that table and prayed. But when I saw the face of my doctor, I knew that my prayers would go unanswered, or at least answered in a different way. He was very kind and showed me on the screen where each baby lay and how neither had a heartbeat.
I wish I knew what had happened, I wish that I could have saved them, I wish there was something I could do to help those around the world that have lost babies, no matter what their gestastional age.
Today is Prematurity Awareness day and while I can’t say that had I been able to get behind those doors they could have done something for my babies-the March of Dimes is trying to make it so no baby is born premature. So please, today think of those innocent babies who are fighting out there, hopefully some day there will be no need for it. Some day all babies will be born healthy.
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  1. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs.

  2. Oh Heather, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say I didn't know how this one goes, but I do.

    Sigh. Huge hugs my friend.

  3. Beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Speaking out is pure grace.

  4. It is beautiful. I am also very sorry for your loss. Even if you think of them only once in a while, I know that it hurts.