He tried to get me to articulate what was wrong with me. How he could fix things.  He just didn’t understand that he really couldn’t.  It wasn’t one particular thing that he did, he just happened to be the one to add that last little bit of annoyance on top of the avalanche of annoyances that my mind has hung onto for how ever long, and I snapped.  

I have episodes in which this happens, there is no rhyme or reason why it does, my brain just says enough and I become totally unglued.  I’m not rational, I am crying and nothing seems to make it better.  I lash out at those closest to me, my husband and children.  Not in a physical way, just emotionally. And I. HATE. IT.  

The small rational part of my brain is asking “What the fuck are you doing? You know its not their fault.  Cease and desist.”  But the rest of my brain just gets all pissed and even more aggitated.  Its a vicious cycle. 

It is normally concluded by me scrubbing every last surface in our home, keeping myself up all night, and then when I am good & exhausted I sob myself to sleep.  Sleep for a couple of days and all is right as rain.  

What really pisses me off is the fact that I am taking these stupid meds and MOST of the time they keep everything in check.  I hate calling them when I am having a crisis because unless I am wanting to kill myself or kill others I have to wait for an appointment and by the time the appointment rolls around I have been fine for days, sometimes even weeks.  Plus, our mental heatlh plan with Kaiser is less than stellar and I don’t find myself really liking to call Behavioral Health.  

I know. I know. Who the hell likes to call someone to tell them you are freaking the fuck out.  I know I sure the hell don’t.  But for routine things like getting a refill on my meds gets me all frustrated with them.  They aren’t very nice and last time they didn’t call in my script right the gal at the Pharmacy calls them and they start yelling at her.  Once they realize it isn’t me, they apologize. “Oh we’re sorry we thought you were the patient.”   She asks “Why on earth would you talk to the patients that way?”  If they are that way with meds, I don’t even want to go where they would be with freak outs.  

I think Grief brought this particular freak out on.  The loss of twins who would have been 12 this month. My grandmother’s birthday was on the 19th-she has been gone for 15 years now.  My dad’s death* (it didn’t happen in May, but I still have never really dealt with it) My mother in laws birthday was on the 14th.  The anniversary of my mother’s strokes.  Dealing with other losses.  And then the possibility of us losing our benefits and dealing with the shitty ways that A T & T deal with employees when they have to take time off of work.  Giggles going to high school & The Chicken going to Middle School next year.  Friends who I thought were friends, but really aren’t and The Stupid Admissions guy that keeps calling me & won’t accept the answer “I don’t know when the fuck I will have time to finish out all of financial aid paper work but please don’t fucking call me 3 times a day” as satisfactory.   I am sure this list could go on & on.  I never intended for it to be a list. 

So Hubby decided to take me away.  I am pretty sure he was going to do that anyways because he hinted at a surprise earlier in the week that we would get to do.  It was WONDERFUL.  I felt awesome for 2 whole days and then this afternoon had to come and smack me in the face.  

Horrible rain coming down that was impossible to see while driving, getting drenched, a meeting that got canceled (I know it sounds trival), the stupid admissions guy calling me twice and sending me an email all to figure out when the Fuck I was going to do some paperwork that I told him I didn’t know when I could get to this week, and then supporting my friends online. Helping them with their grief.  I am not blaming them. I don’t want this to come off as a look at me! look at me kind of thing. But I started this blog for better or for worse and well, it looks like the worse is here for a bit.  

I know I am anxious about my stupid appointment coming up with my mental health chick. I don’t even know what to call her, she isn’t a doctor, she is some sort of nurse practioner.  I know I should probably ask to work with somebody else, but I am sure she is going to ask why.  I dont’ know why, I just know I can’t work with her.  My head is pounding just thinking about visiting her.  Oh, how I wish I could go to Dayton and see Yanni there.  Not because I want to see Yanni (I do & I am the next day) But I would have an excuse for cancelling that stupid appointment.  I would have a legitiment excuse.  Altho I still need my meds, so that really isn’t helping anyone.  Altho I still have to call them this week-they didn’t give me enough refills in April to get me through to my appointment in June.  They knew it when they booked the appointment but she wouldn’t budge.  I needed to call back when I saw I was running out.  I wanted to scream into the phone “Look asshat, I will run out. You gave me a script for 30 days and my appointment isn’t for nearly 40. That is nearly 10 days without meds. I am sure you will be fine, but me and my family will be suffering”  I just don’t know what to do, but I am sure I will figure it out tomorrow.  

I do want to thank everyone for their birthday wishes for me yesterday.  It was a wonderful day filled with happiness from getting away with my hubby and relaxing pedicures with my mother during the day.  But yesterday seems like so long ago now and my hubby is due home at any moment.  I really want that happiness back but instead my head is pounding and I want to crawl into bed. 

*(And yes, I know you are reading this-I know you aren’t dead. But he is and that is all I have to say about that.)